when the mornin' comes...

cajuncore304 @ 2007-03-24T03:21:00

2007-03-24T07:38:25Z

i hadn't realized how desperate i'd become. so gloriously self confident i thought i was, but i was fucking holding on for dear life and once i got a breath of chance, i started gasping for it. i used to be a lot stronger than i am now, but things change and i have to grow stronger than ever before and happier than ever before. it will feel good to be emotionally independent again. for a few months now i've practically been coached back into humanity, and im starting to want machinistic power back. that's why i can't just go back and i have to just learn how to get past it. im tired of wasting my time.

summer will be here soon and i'll switch to a job that will allow me to have more time to enjoy the last precious years of college. i submitted my portfolio to the college and im hoping so hard that i get in. i don't really have any other choice but to get in. i would say that im praying hard, but that's a whole 'nother problem. i can't help but feel humiliated by those i look up to when i fail them. so embarassed and ashamed that i don't want them to have to waste the time to look at me anymore, much less listen to my pitiful groveling. even eye contact makes me feel terrible. teachers, God, loved ones, all of them. that's one thing i never understood about me. my relationship to the feeling of shame feels so....eastern. i want permission to look at them again. a moment that tells me i can be so lucky as to be with them again. otherwise i don't want to speak unless spoken to. it feels so disrespectful otherwise. ugh.

i am such a mess right now.

and i forgot to get my suits cleaned for the wedding. hopefully i don't smell like shit tomorrow. at least the wedding will cheer me up.

cajuncore304 @ 2007-02-24T13:23:00

2007-02-24T18:27:33Z

youNEWB.com asked me to write for them..so if you play games and want up to date shit visit them so i can get them noticed and i can get a job.

/shameless advertisment

cajuncore304 @ 2007-02-24T03:14:00

2007-02-24T08:14:22Z

cajuncore304 @ 2007-02-24T01:11:00

2007-02-24T06:14:16Z

Rory Rory Rory!

maybe i need new lj icons..

2007-02-20T20:57:01Z

i like that having french reading comprehension, if nothing else, tends to help me out when im doing research for obscure topics on google. even though i am not any shade of fluent in the language, it's nice to see that i certainly learned enough from it to gather most of the information from a quick article, explanation, or definition. woot.

it feels fucking divine outside and im stuck here. at least im in bed doing my homework and learning a lot. fuck desks. and windows. i'm in love with ubuntu, hard. i'd like to get my emissions tested today and go pick up my new registration sticker but i guess that will have to wait until thursday. after this philosophy stuff is finished im going to feel awesome tomorrow. i want to ace this test. i hate that i can't get my drawings for my studio class off the ground, though. i need to make an easel or something. anything that i can use to stand while i draw, really. i need to make that look nice for class tomorrow, too. i've been slacking because my homework in that class just doesn't really suffice. not compared to my output in the classroom. i may just start doing all my work for that class in the studio. that would probably be really helpful, actually. too bad they don't have wireless in that building yet. too bad the parking at ksu is fucking bogus. i was thinking the other day how it really isn't that bad to carry a portfolio full of shit from a deck/lot to the art building. i was wrong. but i hate sitting in my car for 30 minutes waiting for a spot that may or may not get janked by some fuckdish.

no more procrastination.

cajuncore304 @ 2007-02-18T12:53:00

2007-02-18T17:53:59Z

i think i can safely say i'd rather not have met you

peace out.

cajuncore304 @ 2007-02-18T00:39:00

2007-02-18T06:02:47Z

well my work is finished. you want me you come to me for a while. i don't put forth 100 percent without any help for this long. you want it bad enough, come and get it.

in the meantime: i do what i want.

i've been carless for less than 8 hours and i don't know what to do with myself

school is kicking my ass so hard. im getting drained and i still need to find time to factor in a job for my scrub ass. i can't keep spending money like this.

fuck this still life i hate it.

fuck my bed im so tired.

my emotions are out of controllllll i hate being this vulnerable

last night was a good remedy to life itself, though. sixpacks of bass with eric and jackass 2.

p.s. i need a fucking ride to school for an 11am class on monday and a ride back home at 1215 H E L P

it's a self note kind of thing

2007-02-10T10:24:58Z

what does real mean to me?

how do i get what's real?

when i get what is real, what will happen to the unreal in my life?

it's going to unravel

wouldn't that be acceptable? keep the real and expel the unreal? the unreal has benefit..it's gotten me this far, after all.

cajuncore304 @ 2007-02-06T13:51:00

2007-02-06T19:00:14Z

well since i never have anything actually interesting to say, i'll just make fun stuff that i find. for instance: this is a new japanese extreme wake up service for the heavy sleepers out there. my favorite is up front

more behind the

but maybe this is a better idea: http://www.x-tremegeek.com/templates/searchdetail.asp?productID=11590

cajuncore304 @ 2007-02-01T04:13:00

2007-02-01T09:14:32Z

im feeling pretty great right now and i hope it sticks around

and i need the new nelly furtado cd hard

cajuncore304 @ 2007-01-30T14:32:00

2007-01-30T19:32:22Z

for holly

cajuncore304 @ 2007-01-30T13:59:00

2007-01-30T19:02:31Z

saw this last week..figured if you hadn't seen it yet..you needed to.

cajuncore304 @ 2007-01-13T20:17:00

2007-01-14T01:17:52Z

i love men.
mmmmmm mmmmmmm mmmmmmm.

oh and holly is so cool it hurts mem.

one day we'll get sick of making the exact same entry in one another's LJs.

cajuncore304 @ 2007-01-05T05:08:00

2007-01-05T10:19:50Z

i can't stand to watch someone i love be miserable for what appears to be little or no reason. what's worse is when i feel like i can't do anything to help. so i just keep my mouth shut and be supportive and loving, because i can do that. but it's getting to be unbearable. what's the purpose?

i can't decide if it is my business or not. it's at least my duty to offer and to say what's been said. <3

i have science tomorrow. lame. im sure it will be a syllabus-pick-up occasion though.

i may start screening this journal. a lot more people look at it than i ever thought.

cajuncore304 @ 2006-12-24T03:27:00

2006-12-24T07:27:15Z

i am totally updating my lj w/ my wii since i forgot my laptop in atl. lololololmerrychristmas

cajuncore304 @ 2006-12-13T06:03:00

2006-12-13T10:03:51Z

i find it odd that the image behind my journal has been so close to me for so long. the sight of the man who appears to have had the inner workings of his mind bludgeoned out of his face in a violent spray of horror. raw. the way the subject stands is so...indescribable. i relate his stance to one i hold when my mind is busy being occupied with itself. it's a poised relaxation of some sort, almost. knees bent and back slightly hunched. hold the arms so insignificantly that they hold themselves and they segment on their own. jolts of electricity hit your brain stem and you can't control the need to make the creepiest looking twitch, no matter where you are. i picture the bloody subjects eyes to be empty, either wide opened or glazed over. the mouth is slightly open, also almost relaxed. he's a vegetable and he did it by beating the symbolic onto it's fleshy articulations on paper.

someone asked me today why i bothered to study philosophy, considering it's practically dead. it isn't the first time it's been said to me. is the world so blind? can no one see that at the root of any schematic or scientific "knowledge" or idea is philosophical thought? it's not possible for it to die, but it's possible to be under appreciated and unrecognized. i mean it clearly is the latter two. what is WRONG?! i mean, honestly?? i can't comprehend it. i experienced the same kind of feelings for philosophy when i started the intro class. i figured it wasn't for me..i didn't get it and i just didn't want it and saw no use. then i had my intimate revolt and discovered it's purpose and it's hidden presence in my life and thought. why be so caught up in an existence that revolves around the provided concrete? it's detrimental, is it not?

this is what makes me want to teach it, but i care so little about learning the material passionately enough to reteach it formally. all of the epiphany's i have are relative to my own personal experiences, and that's good enough for me. i grow so much from these classes even though i stress so god damn hard over the assignments.

im done having these thoughts.

cajuncore304 @ 2006-12-13T05:32:00

2006-12-13T09:32:06Z

holy shit..

i really don't care.

i mean i've made entries in here in the past year or two a couple times about how people that are friends with me are going to realize that i don't give a shit. i hear from one outside source that is supporting this by saying the same, and expressing their confusion for it. i hear from another outside source that i care so much about the same things i'm pretty much finding out i don't care about. do i care? is it that i choose not to care? is it that i am incapable of caring? perhaps im lack the capacity to show, voice, share, express, or even experience the care? i think i care but i am incapable of showing it. am i dysthymic? is this dysthymia? is this laziness?

what do i want? why do i want it? maybe i grew up believing no one else cared? maybe that taught me to not care or took my care away from me. am i so selfish? no. is this not disease? i can't help the fact that i don't give a fuck, can i? i can say i care, stress about caring so much, and then fail to actively express the care, because i've lost the care. do i feel cared for? do i feel loved? do i make people feel loved? can i make people feel loved? can people make me feel loved? or maybe we can just arouse each other..maybe life is just sex..what a sorry existence. could it be more sorry than this one? would people feel more comfortable and loved if that's how it was? would i be the same? perhaps i would lack the libido, then.

why don't people excite me? they can excite me via arousal and that's it? through love interest? do i lack the capacity to love more than one? is that person to be lucky or unfortunate? i mean i don't care if people read this and believe that i do care deep down, because my intuition is telling me i don't. i can't express emotions for people.

i wish i could sleep. i wish that the invisible and false stress i feel for a grading system that ultimately amounts to achieving an obsolete status would fuck off. gpa is going to save money, it isn't going to help me get a job. i mean i guess i'll learn more if i get all A's but maybe i won't, too. i mean is this the entry in the journal of a man who can no longer care about the social? has my disaffection to the social been caused by my disapproval of it? do i feel hope for anything? will i achieve my dreams? do i care about my dreams anymore? do my dreams serve a purpose for society/peers or is it simply an ideal to keep me alive? is that a simple thing? i have so many questions and i don't really need the answers. or don't care for them, and whether that is out of fear or laziness or whatever is irrelavent.

why?

because i don't give a fuuuuuuuuuuck.

i am hoping the reason im having such difficulty completing these Final essays is because they're based on the reading, not the lectures. otherwise i would want to killlll myself because i've never missed so much information in my life. i hope my teacher doesn't hate me after this. i hope i don't care about it.

i mean it's revolution...a perpetual orbit, chasing itself. ambiguous. surprise that i find another ambiguous constant in my existence. what's the point of determining anything within ambiguity? why do people feel the need for answers? questions often are the answers.

considering this is the longest entry i've ever written (most likely), i'll head off.

know that i care, and assume i suck at expressing it.

that's the best i can do for now.

peese

cajuncore304 @ 2006-12-09T01:16:00

2006-12-09T05:16:41Z

i just found out how to send/receive emails with my wii

it's very fun.

kind of like my life.

since i had time to sit down and try to find something else exciting on wii. like EMAIL.

and cleaning my keyboard keys. it's nice to have a fresh keyboard again this thing was god damn gross. i'd take a picture of the...excess...but i'd like to forget it completely as soon as humanly possible.

i feel like my hands are very old, lately. very weathered and tired.

cajuncore304 @ 2006-12-07T23:23:00

2006-12-08T03:23:23Z

http://spoofd.com/61-mary-poppins-re-cut-as-horror-spoof-video

for mARY!

cajuncore304 @ 2006-12-07T14:53:00

2006-12-07T18:53:12Z

it's a complete shame that when i meet someone that goes to school with me that i want to hang out with more and i get super frustrated when i find out they do not have a facebook profile. what am i supposed to do???? that's become the like, next step for making friends in college after meeting them. it's totally pathetic but i guess i kinda need it.

and i just found out that i wasn't on aim even though i've been on the computer for more than 5 seconds. finals, man...they change you.

cajuncore304 @ 2006-12-03T18:41:00

2006-12-03T22:41:01Z

http://powerrangerpawnsrobbers.ytmnd.com/

hahahahahahahhahahahahah

cajuncore304 @ 2006-11-27T03:37:00

2006-11-27T07:37:04Z

weird ass dream the other night

i wish i could let go of shit. i always think i do and then i believe i do and then it comes back and im like oh hi, i guess i was just playing pretend with myself.

fuck gpa

cajuncore304 @ 2006-11-22T02:13:00

2006-11-22T06:13:26Z

from this day forward, I am VaJonathan.

and holly is better than me in every way, ever.

pwned.

cajuncore304 @ 2006-11-21T03:41:00

2006-11-21T07:41:53Z

TOKYO, Nov 20 2006 (Reuters) - Sony Corp. said on Monday its new video game console, the PlayStation 3, has a fatal flaw in its core graphics processor, and will require the recall of nearly 650,000 units, causing widespread shortages of the much anticipated gaming console throughout the US, Europe, and Asia.

lol

p.s. have fun selling those on ebay
p.s. have fun selling wiis...which are plentiful...and not selling on ebay at all

research before action

lol

cajuncore304 @ 2006-11-19T06:36:00

2006-11-19T10:36:44Z

yay! awesome.

buy one...it is worth every penny forreals.